I'm Scared, Chakotay
by Kathryn Rayner Of Voyager
Summary: Kathryn is suffering. Chakotay holds her to chase away her final demons.


They were home. At last. In less than twelve hours they would be in the arms of their family, the family that they'd all been working so hard to get back to. Everyone had been so happy when they'd broken through the wormhole and into the Alpha Quadrant.

But it hadn't lasted long. Chakotay lay on his back in the dark, staring up at the ceiling. He had tried to get some sleep, but his conscience wouldn't allow him.

Earlier that night, Seven had dumped him, telling him that recently, the Doctor had told her about the human concept of true love, and that despite how he claimed to love her and only her, she believed that his heart belonged to another. Distraught about being dumped, he had stormed into Kathryn's quarters and taken out all his pain on her. But instead of fighting back like he'd expected her to do, Kathryn had simply taken the fall, had simply sat there in silence watching him as he'd yelled at her and told her he hated her.

After returning to his quarters and angrily getting ready for bed before falling onto his bed into the position in which he lay now. After his rage had died down, he'd closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but the quiet and the peace inside his quarters allowed him to hear the soft, choking sobs coming from the other side of the bulkhead.

After about half an hour, the sobs faded, but were quickly replaced by distressed, terrified cries and moans.

Chakotay remained awake into the early hours of the morning, listening to the small heartbroken whimpers coming from next door. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye as her whimpers got more agitated, more distressed, more heartbroken - if it were possible.

At around 03:30, a terrified scream sounded from next door. Within seconds, Chakotay was on his feet and stumbling next door. He didn't bother ringing the chime, just punching in his security code to open the doors to her quarters.

"Kathryn?" he asked softly as he stopped in the middle of her living area.

"Go away!" she sobbed from the bedroom. Slowly, he padded into her bedroom, daring to sit down on the edge of her bed. She lay on her side, facing the bulkhead that separated their quarters. Carefully, he reached out and touched her shoulder. She jerked away from his touch, burying her face in her pillow.

"Kathryn . . . I'm sorry," he whispered. She didn't answer him for a while. After a while, she rolled over to face him. Her eyes were red and swollen, and tear tracks stained her red-raw cheeks. "I . . . I shouldn't have said some of the things that I did, to anyone, but especially not to you." He looked down at his hands awkwardly. "Seven said that, while I cared for her in a way, I didn't care for her in the way that a relationship required me to, but I cared for you in that way. And she was right, Kathryn," he looked into her eyes uncertainly.

"What are you trying to say?" she asked.

"Seven dumped me because I'm in love with you and not her." Kathryn stared at him, shocked and confused. "I got mad at you because . . . I don't know . . . " He swallowed and looked away from Kathryn, choosing instead to stare out of the porthole above her bed.

Kathryn could see the tears of pain starting to well up in his eyes as he watched the familiar-but-almost-long-forgotten stars of home passing them by. She pushed herself up onto her pillows and took his hand, looking out at the stars too.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," she said, squeezing his hand. She looked down at their joined hands. "I'm scared, Chakotay," she whispered.

Chakotay turned to look at her. "Of what?"

She looked up at him with sad eyes. "Of losing you. That's why I've always pushed you away. I was scared of how much it would hurt if I lost you. Every man in my life, I've lost, and I don't think I could handle losing you as well." The tears appeared and started to spill over again. "It's my fault we were stranded out there in the first place, and it was hard to be happy when I had to deal with all the bad things that came our way. I was scared of whether or not I'd be able to get everyone home if I allowed myself to be happy, of what everyone would think of us, of whether or not I'd be able to send you on away missions, stuff like that. But when the Admiral arrived and told me about you and Seven, I realised that I'd already lost you to someone else, and it hurt more than anything else I've ever been through . . . " she trailed off as sobs racked her body. Chakotay leaned forward and hugged her.

She leaned into him and buried her face into his shoulder. To feel his strong arms around her and his hands stroking her hair made her feel safe and loved. She didn't want this moment to end, it was the first time in a long time she'd felt like she could just let go and let someone take care of her without having to worry about someone else.

She curled up in his strong embrace as her tears faded and her breathing evened out. Her eyes drifted closed, and in the safety of Chakotay's arms she slept for what was left of the night.

She woke slowly the next morning at the sound of the alarm to find Chakotay's arms still wrapped securely around her as her head rested on his shoulder. She had slept better in the last few hours of the night than she had ever slept before on _Voyager_, and seeing him turn to look at her with still half-open eyes made her heart swell as she realised that he'd come to her rescue last night, when everything that had happened over the last seven years had finally came crashing down on her shoulders.

She couldn't remember how it happened, but somehow her lips ended up on Chakotay's, her body over his, his hands roaming over her back, learning about all of the special places on her body. His hands slipped under her pj t-shirt, caressing her skin and he sucked at her bottom lip. She smiled against his lips as she felt a distinctive bulge pressing against her lower abdomen.

The stars that looked in through the Captain's porthole as they passed by smiled at the pair entwined in each others arms as they explored each others bodies, as the ship drew closer to their families and their home, winking at each other as they told each other of how this was the end of their lives apart, of how two hearts who had screamed for each other for so long could now hold the other in their arms.


End file.
